A thousand paths to love

My new blog on love,

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Www.notedlove-Lauren.blogspot.com

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After University... There's too much fate.

so, I think this is a new phase of my blogging life - I'm no longer at University.

I passed with a 2:1, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I spent 3 years working toward this one goal, with all the challenges that I've written about in my blog along the way, and I've somehow managed to achieve it :)

What's next? Well, I start my teacher training in September... I'm at university locally this time which is good :) no more commutes :)
Also I'm applying for jobs in HR. It's a sector I've always been interested in but i don't have experience. Which in this graduate Market you need.

So I've taken a slightly philosophical approach which really isn't like me at all:

I'm going to apply. If I get the job/interview throughout the summer then great :)
But If I don't, I have an amazing opportunity to better myself with my PGCE so if i don't get a HR job, then fate is telling me to take my place on my PGCE.

Does that make sense? I hope so.

In other news, Adam and I are bloody brilliant. Honestly I can't actually describe how wonderful things are at the present time. I'm almost waiting for them to come crashing down.
I hope I've not just tempted fate again.

Rows

We seem to go through 'phases' of rows.
And we're in a phase now.

Its annoying hassle, not worth it and blah.

However it does get me down. A lot.

Eeeee.
The course of love never runs smooth. Again.

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My mum says...

My mum plays relationships like a game.

She said i've done nothing wring therefore i shouldn't call Adam, text him, nothing until he txts me.

But i'm not like that.

I can't be bothered with the friction and stuff. So i just text him and try and make things ok.

I generally end up backing down for the peace.

'Just polish that sign on your head...' - Mum

In other words, i'm a complete mug.

Part of me agrees. The part of me that was independent and didn't take shit off boys and did what i wanted to do. The part that gets scared when Adam gets mad, when he talks to me like i'm a piece of crap and i feel the lack of love in his voice.

The other part thinks 'Mum, u treat ur fella like dirt, and your in the middle of a divorce'. Maybe being less dominatrix-like may work.

'Then let him walk all over you. It's your call' - Mum

Do i take it coz i don't want to be alone?

Or do i stand up and risk him backing off and losing him?

The Spell is Broken

Last night i slept alone.

With the exception of a trip to Guernsey, i've not spend a night away from Adam since i found out he'd slept with Rachel.

When you're young you sometimes think 'if i go to bed at 9pm every night, mum will let me do XYZ' or 'if i keep my room tidy for X days, i can have Y'

The spell of 'if i sleep with him every night he'll never cheat on me' has been broken.

So not really sure where to go from here... Weird.

Being loved in spite of your imperfections, not hated because of them.

Massive row number 24678643... not quite.

But the crux of the matter is, when we row, i remind Adam of my mother. And he really hates my mother. Really.

Can he learn to love me in spite of that?

Or will he leave me because of it?

I'm not an idiot.

I'm smart, i'm happy, i'm cheery.

I'm not a complete dog... no supermodel, but i'll do.

I cook (ish), i make yummy fairy buns, and i write cute messages on them.

I love him more than anything.

Even when we row, and he never listens, or accuses me of being my mum, which hurts more than anything. She's the one person i'm trying to hard not to be.

But you can't help who your family is? And how you've been brought up?

I've tried to change, and i feel i have.

Not enough though, coz there's some part of my mum in me.

And though Adam hates it, do i really become this person that has nothing of their parents in them?

I may not agree with them, but they made me.

I become vindictive, horrible and he really hates me. Really.

Can you hate a person you love that much?

People say that hate and love are really close... but you can't ever feel the two for the same person.

Do i want to be with someone who I KNOW hates this one part of me and every time we have a row, it's going to brought up?

No is the answer.

Do i then change to become acceptable? When i've already changed so much?

No i think is also the answer.

Not coz i don't want to, but because i don't think i can.

Sink or Swim time.

It's too far along and i'm too tired of not being good enough.

I want a future with the love of my life.

But does he want one with me IN SPITE of my imperfections?

We live in a material world, and I'm a material girl. Politically speaking.

Well, it's three days till the election and thus far I have refrained opening the can of proverbial worms that can stem from a political blog.

However,

I like Nick Clegg. Yeah yeah like everybody, I suddenly have Lib Dem fever. However, as an avid watcher of BBC Parliament (and yes I'm 21) I have liked him for a while. However I like the British pound. And Nick does not.

Gordon Brown, I have no regard for.

David Cameron - well. I don't know. I like him. But I think his face is annoying, and if everyone had a pound for the times he's said 'big society' and 'change' I could live with hisd spending cuts no problem.
However, the Tories want to encourage life long family savers, pro marriage tax breaks and cut inheritance tax.

My grandad worked all his life, did his national service, started his own business, sold out when he was 65, and died that same year.
My grans still alive, bless. But when she dies, 60% of the money she and my grandad saved will go to gordon brown to hand out to some scruffs won't don't deserve their benefit money.

I'm in a long term relationship, marriage is on the cards (at some point!) And if I want to transfer my tax break while I take a year off to bring up my child, I should be able to.

If I want to buy my own house and give it to my children, I shouldn't have to give a whopping 60% to labour.

Tories aren't brilliant, and I will agree with anyone who says that.
But with voting, I feel you vote for the party who has the policies that apply to YOU.
And so everyone is different.
If I was single, eco and manic, I'd probably vote green.


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