A thousand paths to love

My new blog on love,

Please check it out :)

Www.notedlove-Lauren.blogspot.com

Thanks

After University... There's too much fate.

so, I think this is a new phase of my blogging life - I'm no longer at University.

I passed with a 2:1, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I spent 3 years working toward this one goal, with all the challenges that I've written about in my blog along the way, and I've somehow managed to achieve it :)

What's next? Well, I start my teacher training in September... I'm at university locally this time which is good :) no more commutes :)
Also I'm applying for jobs in HR. It's a sector I've always been interested in but i don't have experience. Which in this graduate Market you need.

So I've taken a slightly philosophical approach which really isn't like me at all:

I'm going to apply. If I get the job/interview throughout the summer then great :)
But If I don't, I have an amazing opportunity to better myself with my PGCE so if i don't get a HR job, then fate is telling me to take my place on my PGCE.

Does that make sense? I hope so.

In other news, Adam and I are bloody brilliant. Honestly I can't actually describe how wonderful things are at the present time. I'm almost waiting for them to come crashing down.
I hope I've not just tempted fate again.

Rows

We seem to go through 'phases' of rows.
And we're in a phase now.

Its annoying hassle, not worth it and blah.

However it does get me down. A lot.

Eeeee.
The course of love never runs smooth. Again.

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My mum says...

My mum plays relationships like a game.

She said i've done nothing wring therefore i shouldn't call Adam, text him, nothing until he txts me.

But i'm not like that.

I can't be bothered with the friction and stuff. So i just text him and try and make things ok.

I generally end up backing down for the peace.

'Just polish that sign on your head...' - Mum

In other words, i'm a complete mug.

Part of me agrees. The part of me that was independent and didn't take shit off boys and did what i wanted to do. The part that gets scared when Adam gets mad, when he talks to me like i'm a piece of crap and i feel the lack of love in his voice.

The other part thinks 'Mum, u treat ur fella like dirt, and your in the middle of a divorce'. Maybe being less dominatrix-like may work.

'Then let him walk all over you. It's your call' - Mum

Do i take it coz i don't want to be alone?

Or do i stand up and risk him backing off and losing him?

The Spell is Broken

Last night i slept alone.

With the exception of a trip to Guernsey, i've not spend a night away from Adam since i found out he'd slept with Rachel.

When you're young you sometimes think 'if i go to bed at 9pm every night, mum will let me do XYZ' or 'if i keep my room tidy for X days, i can have Y'

The spell of 'if i sleep with him every night he'll never cheat on me' has been broken.

So not really sure where to go from here... Weird.

Being loved in spite of your imperfections, not hated because of them.

Massive row number 24678643... not quite.

But the crux of the matter is, when we row, i remind Adam of my mother. And he really hates my mother. Really.

Can he learn to love me in spite of that?

Or will he leave me because of it?

I'm not an idiot.

I'm smart, i'm happy, i'm cheery.

I'm not a complete dog... no supermodel, but i'll do.

I cook (ish), i make yummy fairy buns, and i write cute messages on them.

I love him more than anything.

Even when we row, and he never listens, or accuses me of being my mum, which hurts more than anything. She's the one person i'm trying to hard not to be.

But you can't help who your family is? And how you've been brought up?

I've tried to change, and i feel i have.

Not enough though, coz there's some part of my mum in me.

And though Adam hates it, do i really become this person that has nothing of their parents in them?

I may not agree with them, but they made me.

I become vindictive, horrible and he really hates me. Really.

Can you hate a person you love that much?

People say that hate and love are really close... but you can't ever feel the two for the same person.

Do i want to be with someone who I KNOW hates this one part of me and every time we have a row, it's going to brought up?

No is the answer.

Do i then change to become acceptable? When i've already changed so much?

No i think is also the answer.

Not coz i don't want to, but because i don't think i can.

Sink or Swim time.

It's too far along and i'm too tired of not being good enough.

I want a future with the love of my life.

But does he want one with me IN SPITE of my imperfections?

We live in a material world, and I'm a material girl. Politically speaking.

Well, it's three days till the election and thus far I have refrained opening the can of proverbial worms that can stem from a political blog.

However,

I like Nick Clegg. Yeah yeah like everybody, I suddenly have Lib Dem fever. However, as an avid watcher of BBC Parliament (and yes I'm 21) I have liked him for a while. However I like the British pound. And Nick does not.

Gordon Brown, I have no regard for.

David Cameron - well. I don't know. I like him. But I think his face is annoying, and if everyone had a pound for the times he's said 'big society' and 'change' I could live with hisd spending cuts no problem.
However, the Tories want to encourage life long family savers, pro marriage tax breaks and cut inheritance tax.

My grandad worked all his life, did his national service, started his own business, sold out when he was 65, and died that same year.
My grans still alive, bless. But when she dies, 60% of the money she and my grandad saved will go to gordon brown to hand out to some scruffs won't don't deserve their benefit money.

I'm in a long term relationship, marriage is on the cards (at some point!) And if I want to transfer my tax break while I take a year off to bring up my child, I should be able to.

If I want to buy my own house and give it to my children, I shouldn't have to give a whopping 60% to labour.

Tories aren't brilliant, and I will agree with anyone who says that.
But with voting, I feel you vote for the party who has the policies that apply to YOU.
And so everyone is different.
If I was single, eco and manic, I'd probably vote green.


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Shakespeare and Rain

So, the dissertation went in :) that's all good.

well. i hope it is.

im not sure as i haven't got the mark yet.

meh.

You know, you think you're so far on from where you were and then something happens that shuvs you right back.

Currently having the contraception debate with Adam. The current favourite is the implant and suprisingly i find that he knows quite a bit about it.

Of course he does.

Rachel has one.

Ridiculously, that matters. Should it matter that she has the same form of contraception am i am thinking of getting?

It shouldn't. But it does.

I read my blog, trawl through my emotions and feelings and suddenly i'm thinking of Jamie, i'm thinking of how i used to feel. And i send him ONE stupid text message. TELLING HIM. im telling him i'm reliving how he made me feel.

WHY.

i fall back to sleep. wake up mortified that i let myself slip so easily.

its like a drug. something you know is bad. you hate. you despise the person it made you. you vow never to do it again. then you get a whiff of it and you do one stupid thing.

eugh.

I wonder to myself will it ever leave?

In truth i think not. And not coz i love him, or that i;m secretly meant to be with him or any of that crappy shite.

That i allowed myself to feel something that wasn't real.

The high of the drug isn't a real feeling. you're not that happy. and your life is not that perfect. and it is not real.

The Emilys

I went out Wednesday with my two best friends in the entire world. Their both called Emily, so I name my time with them The Emilys.

Different in so many ways, they are both there to help, keep me grounded and restrain me from making stupid decisions.

One is quiet and more thoughtful, the other out and outspoken. I like to think I'm the middle scale and that's why we fit :)

We have rowed, fallen out, been stupid but never been closer than we are now.

One Emily has come out of a 12 month relationship, the other a 4 week one. I am the 'almost married' of the group.

When I see them, I love them more than I think, and without them I doubt I'd be the person I am today - the straight sensible part that is. The stupid loony part is not their fault. Well. Maybe a little...

:)
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Reading over

Reading over my blog it a weird feeling. Its like you know that its your life and these big events and thought are so massive...
But still it doesn't quite seem real.

Reading over always tends to make you think more, but I'm never sure that's a good idea.

Life at the minute is hectic. Dissertation, final year exams, PGCE stuff.
All stressy stuff!
And as a result my writing has turned into sent emails from the bed whilst being spooned by a sleeping Adam.

My current focus is... If I can just get a 2:1, then my life will be complete :)
Sounds silly, but that's the piece of the jigsaw I need to be able to see the bigger picture at the minute.


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Number of Absences this term: TOO MANY!

Really quick post, just to say that my dissertation and project and exasm for my final year are all looming with imcreasing speed so managing the blog as well is not happening.

But i will be picking it up again ASAP after uni has finished (4th June and counting!)

thanks

Songs currently keeping me alive

Vampire Weekend - Cousins

LadyHawke - Delerium

General Fiasco - Ever so Shy

Bombay Bicycle club - Evening/Morning

Goldfrapp - Rocket

Groove Armada - Paper Romance

Really encourage you all to check a few out - think you'll be suprised! 

Guys and Porn - is it normal?

So, caught my boyfriend watching porn - well, not literally. But found pics on his pc and stuff. Basically its RudeTube (refuse to put links up!) and other such websites.

This has caused me to feel degraded and stuff, and I hurriedly ran (well texted) my two bestest friends for an ASAP reply to prevent me from going over the top - which can sometimes happen.

They both replies within minutes, something for which I am ever grateful for suggesting that its normal.

Yes, us women may not agree with it, and may think it's odd and weird, however it IS completely normal and I had no need to go mad.

So, i calmed myself down, told him he'd left something on the pc that I wasn't happy with and if he was going to do it again, can he please make sure that i'm not going to be confronted with it whilst trying to access my iTunes. 

He apologised and swiftly said it wouldn't happen again - me finding it, not him doing it. 

However, our sex has always been good, and i mean really always. I never think 

oh here we go again, do we have to, was that it?

Adam is an amazing lover, and he treats me with such respect, and yes we do have our rough nights and I enjoy this just as much.

And to be quite frank, the past three nights of love making have been more mind-blowing than usual...

Which leads me to pose this question:

Far from ruining my sex life, as I would of predicted, has porn encouraged Adam to be more in control and more active about initiating sex? 

Has porn helped my sex life?

Now I know that this is very dangerous ground, as in the porn industry there are many women exploited and used and I am in NO WAY suggesting that porn should be rolled out more. Also, i know that porn can be very destructive for a relationship. 

A man can become more interested in their favourite pornstar than their girlfriend/wife. 

But in my case, Adam explained that porn is something seperate from me. 

Right now, porn could be attributing my boyfriend increased interest in me. But I am wary that if his watching becomes more... I could face the opposite colour of the porn spectrum.

Can porn ever be completely seperate from your sex life i suppose is my question?

The Joseph Salmon Trust

This is a request for sponsorship for Ian Newbold, a fellow blogger in his sponsored walk along Hadrian's Wall for the Joseph Salmon Trust.

The trust has been set up by Rachel and Dan set the trust up specifically for giving parents a financial breather after the death of their child.

More details can be foun on Ian's Blog 'Single Parent Dad: Walking the Walk' and his sponsorship page can be found here.

For more info of the trust, please visit The Joseph Salmon Trust site

Thanks a lot guys.

Trust is the key issue

Since my last post, adam has talked to Rachel and told her that he wants me and doesn't think its a good idea that she talks to him anymore coz its causing problems.

He's deleted her number, deleted her facebook.... so you would think that that should be enough for me wouldn't you?

Apparently not.

Coz i went on his email this morning and texted his about a message i saw on there. He called me and patiently explained everything. He's getting upset that i'm still checking on him, and that I evidently don't trust him. And as much as I try, I can't disagree - I don't trust him.

But he trusts me, and he wants it to work. And i want it to work. Really I do.

So why can't i drop it?

Coz i'm scared of being hurt, of being made a fool out of again, of him secretly taking the piss out of me.

It's crunch time really isn't it? I either get over it and move on, or i don't bother. I might as well finish with him now and not get engaged or anything coz it's simply not worth it is it?

I'll just end up ruining the very core of our relationship.

And i wouldn't expect him to put up with it.

Coz i wouldn't.

So what i'm asking, is does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over the trust issue?

I hops so, coz right now it's in danger of killing us.

Exes, Roses and Birthdays

On a rare moment when i've finished work, before he comes home from work and before a start making tea, I need to write.

The girl Adam slept with - well i'd had it. I told him that I had been too leanient in the first place and had tried to sweep it under the carpet - probably coz i'd done the same thing and was keen to move on. 

However, I can no longer deal with Rachel in my life - whether he's sitting next to her, she's messaging him, he has her number - none of it. It's her or me, as I can no longer deal with the relationship where she somehow thinks its acceptable that t

hey be friends.

So its her or me. And i mean it. 

However its currently half term - so on monday, he tells her under no certain terms does she call him, text him, messages him - nothing. Or else i leave.

Was he happy? No. he thinks i'm telling him what to do. But however, I pointed this out that i'm only feeling like this coz he fucked another girl. And in order to rectify this he needed to tell her to get fucked - politely or not. And to hope to god that I never see that bitch again or i'll kill her. 

My 21st birthday - Also Valentine's Day - wonderful :) 

I was spoiled by my boyfriend, my dad, my mum, my gran - everyone :) 

It was the best weekend I could have asked for. Adam went all out and did absolutely everything. I got suprised with roses, balloons, cards, me

al out, champagne (and lots of it!).

I surprised him with a little something from La Senza :) to whic

h he was very grateful for :)

I just hope that everything thats been going on to actually fully put to bed now.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and believe he loves me too. But something, love alone isn't enough. People need to be shown that they are first. And that they are the only one that truly matters.

Everyone else - namely the bitch that almost ruined my relationship - needs to feel dreadful and go to hell at times - hurt feelings or not. 

I also am taking the rather dramatic step in changing my URL - Jamie has this one and I feel that its inappropriate that he has access to these kind of thoughts. 

He's no longer in my life and so i feel that he doesn't deserve to read these.

  

Alone time

I have so much to write, but am working tomorrow and spending the rest of my week with my boyfriend as its his half term.
I have thoughts on our row over the girl, my birthday, valentines day...

He doesn't know that I blog, or anything about it, so finding time whilst he's around is near impossible.

Does anyone else have anonymous blogs that their families don't know about?
Is this considered a bad thing?

I hope to write tomorrow in a quiet half hour at work via email! (Work in a pub)
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Marina and the Diamonds

Hollywood infected your brain, you wanted kissing in the rain.

You've been living in a movie scene puking American dreams. 

Time to get real.

The course of true love never runs smooth

Ok, so I still check Adam's messages. I don't know, I evidently don't trust him. And that does scare me, coz I know that getting engaged and moving into together is something that I definitely want, but it's difficult to marry that up with the fact that I still check his messages. 

i checked them over the weekend, and i didn't find anything, and he found out and we had a minor row about it and stuff. And i vowed not to do it again. However, I checked them this morning when he was in the shower. 

And he had a message from her. Just asking nothing important, 

"hoping he was better (we both had a bad Indian over the weekend, how was his football match and had he started his english coursework coz she hadn't"

Now i know that that is nothing in itself. But the fact that its sooo normal is sickening. I know they still sit together in class. Adam said if he moved:

"it would look obvious and cause seating problems for the rest of the class"

My response is:

"who gives a shit?! You're sitting next to the girl that broke our relationship from wonderful to shitty pieces and aiding you in breaking my heart."

So I don't know what to do... Part of me wants to message her and just tell her to fucking quit it. But i've already done that and to no avail. She persists. She must want him - and he must be letting her think she stands some chance, or just talking to her. 

I've been in that situation - if he's talking to her and sitting next to her and stuff, then I know how girls think. And 4am messages asking after his health prevail.

He thinks i'm making a big deal of the message. But its not the message. Its her. I can;t stand them being around each other. 

Am i wrong to hate the girl that my boyfriend slept with?

I feel like just getting her head and ramming it into a wall whilst telling her that it's advisable that she stays away from my boyfriend. But that won't help. It took all my strength not to go and smash her face in the first time.

God this is a mess.

Am i ever going to trust him again?

And if not, do i just sod it off now?

Or do i believe him, trust him and put my doubts to the back of my mind and hope my mindset changes when he leaves college.

The first step

Just stopped myself from committing the same mistake again. I headed it off at the first sign of trouble.

This must be a good sign.
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