The Spell is Broken

Last night i slept alone.

With the exception of a trip to Guernsey, i've not spend a night away from Adam since i found out he'd slept with Rachel.

When you're young you sometimes think 'if i go to bed at 9pm every night, mum will let me do XYZ' or 'if i keep my room tidy for X days, i can have Y'

The spell of 'if i sleep with him every night he'll never cheat on me' has been broken.

So not really sure where to go from here... Weird.

Being loved in spite of your imperfections, not hated because of them.

Massive row number 24678643... not quite.

But the crux of the matter is, when we row, i remind Adam of my mother. And he really hates my mother. Really.

Can he learn to love me in spite of that?

Or will he leave me because of it?

I'm not an idiot.

I'm smart, i'm happy, i'm cheery.

I'm not a complete dog... no supermodel, but i'll do.

I cook (ish), i make yummy fairy buns, and i write cute messages on them.

I love him more than anything.

Even when we row, and he never listens, or accuses me of being my mum, which hurts more than anything. She's the one person i'm trying to hard not to be.

But you can't help who your family is? And how you've been brought up?

I've tried to change, and i feel i have.

Not enough though, coz there's some part of my mum in me.

And though Adam hates it, do i really become this person that has nothing of their parents in them?

I may not agree with them, but they made me.

I become vindictive, horrible and he really hates me. Really.

Can you hate a person you love that much?

People say that hate and love are really close... but you can't ever feel the two for the same person.

Do i want to be with someone who I KNOW hates this one part of me and every time we have a row, it's going to brought up?

No is the answer.

Do i then change to become acceptable? When i've already changed so much?

No i think is also the answer.

Not coz i don't want to, but because i don't think i can.

Sink or Swim time.

It's too far along and i'm too tired of not being good enough.

I want a future with the love of my life.

But does he want one with me IN SPITE of my imperfections?

We live in a material world, and I'm a material girl. Politically speaking.

Well, it's three days till the election and thus far I have refrained opening the can of proverbial worms that can stem from a political blog.

However,

I like Nick Clegg. Yeah yeah like everybody, I suddenly have Lib Dem fever. However, as an avid watcher of BBC Parliament (and yes I'm 21) I have liked him for a while. However I like the British pound. And Nick does not.

Gordon Brown, I have no regard for.

David Cameron - well. I don't know. I like him. But I think his face is annoying, and if everyone had a pound for the times he's said 'big society' and 'change' I could live with hisd spending cuts no problem.
However, the Tories want to encourage life long family savers, pro marriage tax breaks and cut inheritance tax.

My grandad worked all his life, did his national service, started his own business, sold out when he was 65, and died that same year.
My grans still alive, bless. But when she dies, 60% of the money she and my grandad saved will go to gordon brown to hand out to some scruffs won't don't deserve their benefit money.

I'm in a long term relationship, marriage is on the cards (at some point!) And if I want to transfer my tax break while I take a year off to bring up my child, I should be able to.

If I want to buy my own house and give it to my children, I shouldn't have to give a whopping 60% to labour.

Tories aren't brilliant, and I will agree with anyone who says that.
But with voting, I feel you vote for the party who has the policies that apply to YOU.
And so everyone is different.
If I was single, eco and manic, I'd probably vote green.


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Shakespeare and Rain

So, the dissertation went in :) that's all good.

well. i hope it is.

im not sure as i haven't got the mark yet.

meh.

You know, you think you're so far on from where you were and then something happens that shuvs you right back.

Currently having the contraception debate with Adam. The current favourite is the implant and suprisingly i find that he knows quite a bit about it.

Of course he does.

Rachel has one.

Ridiculously, that matters. Should it matter that she has the same form of contraception am i am thinking of getting?

It shouldn't. But it does.

I read my blog, trawl through my emotions and feelings and suddenly i'm thinking of Jamie, i'm thinking of how i used to feel. And i send him ONE stupid text message. TELLING HIM. im telling him i'm reliving how he made me feel.

WHY.

i fall back to sleep. wake up mortified that i let myself slip so easily.

its like a drug. something you know is bad. you hate. you despise the person it made you. you vow never to do it again. then you get a whiff of it and you do one stupid thing.

eugh.

I wonder to myself will it ever leave?

In truth i think not. And not coz i love him, or that i;m secretly meant to be with him or any of that crappy shite.

That i allowed myself to feel something that wasn't real.

The high of the drug isn't a real feeling. you're not that happy. and your life is not that perfect. and it is not real.

The Emilys

I went out Wednesday with my two best friends in the entire world. Their both called Emily, so I name my time with them The Emilys.

Different in so many ways, they are both there to help, keep me grounded and restrain me from making stupid decisions.

One is quiet and more thoughtful, the other out and outspoken. I like to think I'm the middle scale and that's why we fit :)

We have rowed, fallen out, been stupid but never been closer than we are now.

One Emily has come out of a 12 month relationship, the other a 4 week one. I am the 'almost married' of the group.

When I see them, I love them more than I think, and without them I doubt I'd be the person I am today - the straight sensible part that is. The stupid loony part is not their fault. Well. Maybe a little...

:)
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Reading over

Reading over my blog it a weird feeling. Its like you know that its your life and these big events and thought are so massive...
But still it doesn't quite seem real.

Reading over always tends to make you think more, but I'm never sure that's a good idea.

Life at the minute is hectic. Dissertation, final year exams, PGCE stuff.
All stressy stuff!
And as a result my writing has turned into sent emails from the bed whilst being spooned by a sleeping Adam.

My current focus is... If I can just get a 2:1, then my life will be complete :)
Sounds silly, but that's the piece of the jigsaw I need to be able to see the bigger picture at the minute.


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Number of Absences this term: TOO MANY!

Really quick post, just to say that my dissertation and project and exasm for my final year are all looming with imcreasing speed so managing the blog as well is not happening.

But i will be picking it up again ASAP after uni has finished (4th June and counting!)

thanks