after the fall

Well, I suppose for a while there I didn't think I'd ever blog again. When your actual life becomes so messed up with emotional trainwreck crap... You know, you just don't even think about it, when really... Its the best thing you could do.

Me and bf have got better. It sounds slightly sickening, but in someway I suppose its helped out relationship. We are both no longer on the 'everythings hunky dory and we live in bliss land' road... But more on the "we both fucked up and now we're trying to get over it and move on'.

So, we've actually never been better - and by better I mean real. Jamie suggested my relationship was fake and pathetic but I think that's the one thing it actually isn't? Real relationships can be crap, you are both human and now everythings been and gone, I think I do have a much more... Realistic view of my life.

Moving in together is the next step - its been talked about, financially discussed and blessings sought and granted from the relevant parents. This is all good.
Making a commitment like that is something which I know we cannot take lightly and some would (and probably will) suggest its 'all too soon' considering current events. But, its not happening till oct, and by then itll have been a year.

I don't think about him cheating all that often anymore. Like I hoped, its subsided and life carried on. The original shock and betrayal led me to examine myself - who am I to condemn him and ruin 4 otherwise very happy years simply coz my pride has been dented?

If I was to worry - it is that I have flashes of jamie. But I assume, like the hurt, the pain and the embarrassment, that too will subside.
I bloody hope so, coz it does do my head in.

I'm looking forward to blogging again more regularly actually. Cathartic isn't it?

pocket books.

On monday, I learned that Samuel Coleridge used to carry pocket books, wherever he went so he could remember the thoughts and associations that went on in his head.

i think that this is something that i should adopt... im always remembering random things, and i have no where to write them. i used ot keep diaries, but lately, i dont even have the actual time to write them. and even when i do, i always stop and think - opps, i should have wrote about such and such...

Blogs are something along the way to a pocket book - maybe a 21st century version of Coleridge's pocketbooks.

At present, life is in the balance.

The relationship scales are definately in the plus... after three and a half years, i have the most wonderful guy and am as completely in love as i've ever been. Today i realised that i have something so brilliant, the fights seem so pointless. Some people wait their whole lives to attain the state of completeness in a relationship, and i have it already. Adam gets me, he understands where i am from, why i think like i do, and is there to pick up the pieces when all the other bits in the juggling session of a life come crashing down. I couldnt wish for a better boyfriend, i really couldn't.

The family scales are in the plus... but they keep tipping from drastic minus, or minor pluses.

The university scales... this week, im feeling proactive and positive, and how i view my scales are undoubtedly influenced. The library in my sanctuary this week - i can work, think, smile and be sad, all in silence with complete strangers who are so wrapped up in their own lives that don't seem to notice if i'm 'not my usual chatty self'. And this is good - helpful even :) Means i can jsut get on and do.

So, fellow bloggers, welcome to my electronic pocketbook. Maybe in centuries, my mac will be kept in the British library, just like Coleridge's books :)