And now everyone knows...

So, everybody knows.

I found out that my boyfriend slept with another girl months ago. And didn't tell me.

People at his college then told him that i had slept with the other guy.

I admitted it.

The other guy apparently told three of his mates, who also told other people.... and suddenly everyone knows the ONE mistake i've made.
I don't go to that college, so i'm not there every day so i don't have to listen to it.
But it still bothers me.

Me and Adam have been ok... well. We shouted, i made him ring the other girl and tell her it was all over...
But i dunno.

We're ok now. Both admitted our mistakes.
But can it really get better?

Will we learn from it?

The aftermath

The aftermath.

The comedown.

The reality.

He didn't want me.
Well, if he did, he's not made up his mind if he does or not?
And i think i deserve more than that.

He's still sleeping with his ex, even after he told me he wouldn't.
He's still getting with new girls. even though i was there for him to take.

I was there, ready to jump.
And he didn't take me hand.

So whats my choice?
To back off?
And to realise that however wonderful that Wednesday felt... it was just a Wednesday.
And now,i think that thats all it's going to be?

He said it wasn't just about the sex... but yet he wont tell me what it was about... how am i supposed to move on from that without ever knowing what it meant to him? and why wanting him wasn't enough for him to want me?

The exaggeration of my feelings was so immense, i felt like i was in a different sphere... but where does that leave me now?

I know where it leaves me.
It leaves me thinking that i did a bad thing, but i enjoyed it.
I have a partner, a have carved the beginnings of a life out with him.
So there is where i stay.
i would have left though.
And that's whats scary.

Or would i?

Would i ever actually left?
Or would i have bottled, like he did?

In order to come to terms with it, i think to myself, instead of getting bitter at the fact that i feel like i've been used... or that i've given away something that only the love of life has had... i look at Wednesday as a wonderful couple of hours, and perhaps me and him were only meant to go that far.
Any further would have complicated things and hurt people.
But it still hurts.
That i feel like i've been cast away. Like leftovers.

Perhaps this is payback, for hurting him years ago.
I'd like to think he's kinder than that, but one never knows.

I wish he'd be honest with me.
That's my one wish.

Now... to look forward. To see my future and to get there.
I'd like to say and never make that mistake again.

But i don't think it was a mistake.

And i don't think i'll ever feel that much again.

Good Times

me and adam over the summer at Leeds Festival :)

Attention

I think its me.

I think i like the attention of i new guy.
I love it...

The way they so blatently want you and want to be with you and wanna hear what you have to say...

I often ask myself why cant i just be happy with what ive got, which is, lets be frank, amazing.
I have all those thingsi want in one guy who STILL wants me, STILL wants to hear what i have to say and STILL loves me loads.

I'm such a bad person.
Awful.

Adam blatently doesn't deserve this treatment, whether he knows about it or not.