The Joseph Salmon Trust

This is a request for sponsorship for Ian Newbold, a fellow blogger in his sponsored walk along Hadrian's Wall for the Joseph Salmon Trust.

The trust has been set up by Rachel and Dan set the trust up specifically for giving parents a financial breather after the death of their child.

More details can be foun on Ian's Blog 'Single Parent Dad: Walking the Walk' and his sponsorship page can be found here.

For more info of the trust, please visit The Joseph Salmon Trust site

Thanks a lot guys.

Trust is the key issue

Since my last post, adam has talked to Rachel and told her that he wants me and doesn't think its a good idea that she talks to him anymore coz its causing problems.

He's deleted her number, deleted her facebook.... so you would think that that should be enough for me wouldn't you?

Apparently not.

Coz i went on his email this morning and texted his about a message i saw on there. He called me and patiently explained everything. He's getting upset that i'm still checking on him, and that I evidently don't trust him. And as much as I try, I can't disagree - I don't trust him.

But he trusts me, and he wants it to work. And i want it to work. Really I do.

So why can't i drop it?

Coz i'm scared of being hurt, of being made a fool out of again, of him secretly taking the piss out of me.

It's crunch time really isn't it? I either get over it and move on, or i don't bother. I might as well finish with him now and not get engaged or anything coz it's simply not worth it is it?

I'll just end up ruining the very core of our relationship.

And i wouldn't expect him to put up with it.

Coz i wouldn't.

So what i'm asking, is does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over the trust issue?

I hops so, coz right now it's in danger of killing us.

Exes, Roses and Birthdays

On a rare moment when i've finished work, before he comes home from work and before a start making tea, I need to write.

The girl Adam slept with - well i'd had it. I told him that I had been too leanient in the first place and had tried to sweep it under the carpet - probably coz i'd done the same thing and was keen to move on. 

However, I can no longer deal with Rachel in my life - whether he's sitting next to her, she's messaging him, he has her number - none of it. It's her or me, as I can no longer deal with the relationship where she somehow thinks its acceptable that t

hey be friends.

So its her or me. And i mean it. 

However its currently half term - so on monday, he tells her under no certain terms does she call him, text him, messages him - nothing. Or else i leave.

Was he happy? No. he thinks i'm telling him what to do. But however, I pointed this out that i'm only feeling like this coz he fucked another girl. And in order to rectify this he needed to tell her to get fucked - politely or not. And to hope to god that I never see that bitch again or i'll kill her. 

My 21st birthday - Also Valentine's Day - wonderful :) 

I was spoiled by my boyfriend, my dad, my mum, my gran - everyone :) 

It was the best weekend I could have asked for. Adam went all out and did absolutely everything. I got suprised with roses, balloons, cards, me

al out, champagne (and lots of it!).

I surprised him with a little something from La Senza :) to whic

h he was very grateful for :)

I just hope that everything thats been going on to actually fully put to bed now.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and believe he loves me too. But something, love alone isn't enough. People need to be shown that they are first. And that they are the only one that truly matters.

Everyone else - namely the bitch that almost ruined my relationship - needs to feel dreadful and go to hell at times - hurt feelings or not. 

I also am taking the rather dramatic step in changing my URL - Jamie has this one and I feel that its inappropriate that he has access to these kind of thoughts. 

He's no longer in my life and so i feel that he doesn't deserve to read these.

  

Alone time

I have so much to write, but am working tomorrow and spending the rest of my week with my boyfriend as its his half term.
I have thoughts on our row over the girl, my birthday, valentines day...

He doesn't know that I blog, or anything about it, so finding time whilst he's around is near impossible.

Does anyone else have anonymous blogs that their families don't know about?
Is this considered a bad thing?

I hope to write tomorrow in a quiet half hour at work via email! (Work in a pub)
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Marina and the Diamonds

Hollywood infected your brain, you wanted kissing in the rain.

You've been living in a movie scene puking American dreams. 

Time to get real.

The course of true love never runs smooth

Ok, so I still check Adam's messages. I don't know, I evidently don't trust him. And that does scare me, coz I know that getting engaged and moving into together is something that I definitely want, but it's difficult to marry that up with the fact that I still check his messages. 

i checked them over the weekend, and i didn't find anything, and he found out and we had a minor row about it and stuff. And i vowed not to do it again. However, I checked them this morning when he was in the shower. 

And he had a message from her. Just asking nothing important, 

"hoping he was better (we both had a bad Indian over the weekend, how was his football match and had he started his english coursework coz she hadn't"

Now i know that that is nothing in itself. But the fact that its sooo normal is sickening. I know they still sit together in class. Adam said if he moved:

"it would look obvious and cause seating problems for the rest of the class"

My response is:

"who gives a shit?! You're sitting next to the girl that broke our relationship from wonderful to shitty pieces and aiding you in breaking my heart."

So I don't know what to do... Part of me wants to message her and just tell her to fucking quit it. But i've already done that and to no avail. She persists. She must want him - and he must be letting her think she stands some chance, or just talking to her. 

I've been in that situation - if he's talking to her and sitting next to her and stuff, then I know how girls think. And 4am messages asking after his health prevail.

He thinks i'm making a big deal of the message. But its not the message. Its her. I can;t stand them being around each other. 

Am i wrong to hate the girl that my boyfriend slept with?

I feel like just getting her head and ramming it into a wall whilst telling her that it's advisable that she stays away from my boyfriend. But that won't help. It took all my strength not to go and smash her face in the first time.

God this is a mess.

Am i ever going to trust him again?

And if not, do i just sod it off now?

Or do i believe him, trust him and put my doubts to the back of my mind and hope my mindset changes when he leaves college.

The first step

Just stopped myself from committing the same mistake again. I headed it off at the first sign of trouble.

This must be a good sign.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Women's blogging article

The women's writing paper that I have written is now ready to be read! I think! It's all about blogging and autobiography - very interesting research!

I originally thought about posting it, but it's over 3000 words so i think it would made for a not so attractive long winded post haha :) 

If anyone would like a copy, then let me know. I'd be more than happy to email it to anyone who's interested in finding out a little more about blogging and where I feel it's evolved from :)

Reconciliation

Today I attempt to get things onto a civil level with my mum. Things haven't really been great for a while, and I haven't really been bothered coz i've had a lot on with uni work and stuff. However, now it's coming up to my 21st birthday and having talked it over with my sounding board (aka Adam lol), I feel i need to just make peace.

It's not that i believe i'm wrong, to be honest i know that i'm right, but i question whether knowing that i'm right and forfeiting a relationship with my mum is the correct path to take. Or trying to level things out and perhaps rationalise something with my mothers overactive mind has taken waaaay off course.

I think that right now i am coming to the point where I think 

"is it really worth it?" 

Does my moral high ground strecth that far that I am willing ot put all this extra effort into hating my mum rather than feeling nothing for her? Because apart from being completely unhealthy, its also got to be classed as a total waste of time and energy.

Knowing what my mum has said about me to my dad, my gran, her friends hurts. A lot. and Adam questions whether I can keep putting up with this hurt and nastiness and keep going back to her and telling her that its not her its me and that she's right and i'm wrong jsut so everything can be ok again. If it was up to him, 

"I'd just f**k her off and do without"

And at times I think he's right. But I also know that to me, that requires a lot more energy than the other alternative, which is to give in, explain whatever i'm supposed to have done wrong now, and go back ot living a normal non-hating-my-mother life.

She's just sooooo difficult at times! But I suppose mother-daughter relationships are stretched at the best of times. A lot of people tend to put this down to having similar personalities so as you gorw older, those personalities tend to clash more. 

The half decade Valantine's day

Well, this Valentine's day will be my 5th one with the love of my life.
And it will also be my 21st birthday :)

But as we both work weekends and we work in catering we are celebrating on Friday. Sunday unfortunately will be spent looking at all the other couples who don't work weekends and serving them delicious meals :) However, i'm not complaining! Just my luck of the drawer that my 21st happened to land on a Sunday! :)

Usually, i'm one of these girls that likes to be spoiled on Valentine's. I feel like as a woman in a relationship, i spoil my boyfriend on a relatively daily basis and i ask nothing in return - apart from the occasional foot rub! I do his washing, i orin his work shirts, i tidy up his wet towels, i make sure he never runs out of deoderant and i advise him that a hard toothbrush is not a good option as if he remembers - he has sentitive gums.
All this i do willingly and laughingly like many other women in relationships... but on Valentine's day, i fell like its a 'spoil Lauren' day. Coupled with it also being my birthday, i can usually be found not lifting a finger - apart from to put my roses into a vase!

However, seen as though we are celebrating on a Friday, and its out 5th Valentine's day together, i'm wondering whether to put a different spin on things! I'm thinking maybe i'll buy some candles and i'll get some rose petals and i'll treat him.
I've already ordered my Valentine's night suprise courtesy of La Senza. He chose it, but he's never seen me in anything that sexy in 5 years, so it should be really interesting to see how it goes!
I'm reveling in my sexiness at the minute, though i'm not the thinnest i've ever been and i do have my 'omg i'm so fat' days... i'm feeling sexy and confident and i think that's going to come across :)

We're not married, nor engaged, and we are planning on moving in together this year. But engagement in something that i'm increasingly keen on. I know that most modern couples do the whole 'lets live together and then get engaged' thing, and i know that me and adam are only young in comparison to other couples, but i feel in our 5th year together some strong form of commitment should be made, and what's more i want to.

We are currently saving up for an amazing all expenses paid holiday at the end of June, but after that i mentioned that it may be time to start saving for an engagement ring... i expected a 'will you pleaseee stop talking about engagement rings please!!' response as i have currently been mentioning how nice it would be to get engaged on a white sandy Dominican Republic beach *hint hint*, but instead, i got:

'erm, yeah ok. I don't se that as a major issue'

As i squeal that does he mean it? Honestly? i see that he does indeed mean it, but this practical approach is something that suits my boyfriend much more than the overly pressured romantic setting with forced actions and certain pre-requisites.
It may not be every girls fantasy, to put some of her own money away each month for the ring of her dreams, but to me, it symbolises our relationship:


Open. Equal. Honest. Hardworking. Realistic.


(image courtesy of a VERY cute moment of Adams)

Not able to post comments on my blog!

Quick one - thank you to everyone who has commented on my blog - but am experiencing problems commenting back! I'm pressing post comment but it won't let me! Annoyed! And hoping that people don't get offended! :)

Hope to fix this soon!

Mena Trott - founder of Vox

Mena Trott is the founder of blogging site Vox and now owns the other bogging site LiveJournal.

This is what she has to say about marco vs micro blogging:

'If the web was a big party, Twitter folks are the ones who drop one-liners and seem all clever as people wait with baited breath for their next bon mot or insight. It is brevity that makes them seem a bit quicker than they really are. Bloggers, however, are the ones who linger a bit too long at the food platters*, offering more context, but also perhaps sharing just a little too much of a story.'

I love that!

Nights out

Coz me and Adam are saving up for rings, houses and holidays we don't actually get to go out too much, so when we do, we make sure its a right laugh :)

Article Title - The full one is on its way

Women’s autobiography was at one time considered to be ‘private’ rather than ‘public’. With the introduction of internet blogging, has women’s life writing become more ‘public’ than ‘private’?

I'd love to hear your comments on this! The full article should be ready on friday and i'll post it up here :)

If you're waiting to read, have a look at Dorothy Wordsworth's Garasmere Journal and Martha Moulsworth 'Memorandum' poem in advance so you'll know what i'm talking about!

You over did it doll

I heard you (heard you)
Coming in from town,
stilettos scrape the ground,
I saw you (say you)
In your overcoat a random on your throat,
I know you (know you)
this is not the girl,
that I used to whirl...
Round me
what's happening to you?
what's happening to you?

I love it, I shoot it like a tommy gun,
But you will carry on until the day you are done.
You never know when to stop,
You'll carry on until you're dead and you drop,
you will carry on until you're dead and you drop.

You over did it doll,
You over did it doll,
You over did it doll,
You over did it doll.

Your change (?) is starting to go,
five nights a week is starting to show.
Dark rims around your eyes,
are fashionable until somebody dies.
This pace a little too fast,
you're a space cadet dressed in fibreglass.
You're gonna shatter, it's not too late to undo,
put the fiddle down, the taming of the shrew.

I love it, I shoot it like a tommy gun,
but you will carry on until the day you are done.
You never know when to stop,
you'll carry on until you're dead and you drop,
you will carry on until you're dead and you drop.

Looking Forward

Today i found out that there is something else about to go thought he same thing as i did.
Her facebook statuses are filled with longing and wanting and missing.
She's falling. And she's gonna end up falling flat on her face.
I don't know her, so it bothers me as to why i care.
Maybe i just shouldn't.
She'll learn.

Jamie is a chapter in my life that i find interesting - just he is just that, a chapter.
If i let him be any more, then i'm letting myself down.
Chapter over :)
Don't close the book, and maybe once in a while you'll look over that chapter and smile... but its not your favourite chapter :)

The funny thing is, i got all my feelings out and when i see him now... i don't feel them. Maybe i was telling myself that i was feeling it, when really i wasn't.

Retrospective thinking is always good for the soul. I think i need to just... look onwards and upwards. :)