Its possible im over feeling.
maybe when adam gets home i'll realise.
fucking hell i wish my heart would make its mind up.
Question:
Why does J want me?
Thursday 29 October 2009
Washing your hands
If i was single, there is no guarantee he'd have me.
So why do i feel like i should risk everything anyway?
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?
Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body
Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
(Courtesy of Alanis Morissette :) )
So why do i feel like i should risk everything anyway?
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?
Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body
Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
(Courtesy of Alanis Morissette :) )
Coming home
Adam comes home today....
I'm working 3-9, so i dont know if i'll see him.... he wants to come round after ive finished, but i dunno if that thats a good idea.
He wants to talk about us and our relationship and what he's realised from what his 'time away'. Hmmm.
Last night all i did was go through Jamie... there, thats his name... in my head. I went over yesterday, what we did, what we talked about, my diet coke addiction :) everything.
It was seriously great :)
But today's down to reality. I was uni work to do, and he has college work... and then a party tonight.
That's something i'm dreading? I know that i don't have any hold over him, and that to be jealous is irrational. But what if he gets with a new girl? Do i feel great about it? No. But can i do anything, say anything? No.
This is an issue.
I have a lot on my plate at the minute though... can i afford to be falling someone in the way that i am?
No. But i think i'm going to anyway.
Dreading seeing Adam tonight... i can't quite even remember what he looks like... in 4 days... after 4 years.
Madness.
I'm working 3-9, so i dont know if i'll see him.... he wants to come round after ive finished, but i dunno if that thats a good idea.
He wants to talk about us and our relationship and what he's realised from what his 'time away'. Hmmm.
Last night all i did was go through Jamie... there, thats his name... in my head. I went over yesterday, what we did, what we talked about, my diet coke addiction :) everything.
It was seriously great :)
But today's down to reality. I was uni work to do, and he has college work... and then a party tonight.
That's something i'm dreading? I know that i don't have any hold over him, and that to be jealous is irrational. But what if he gets with a new girl? Do i feel great about it? No. But can i do anything, say anything? No.
This is an issue.
I have a lot on my plate at the minute though... can i afford to be falling someone in the way that i am?
No. But i think i'm going to anyway.
Dreading seeing Adam tonight... i can't quite even remember what he looks like... in 4 days... after 4 years.
Madness.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
wednesday was the day
Jesus. H. Christ.
i did it.
for the first time is 4 years... i slept with a man who wasnt my boyfriend.
and i enjoyed it.
and i don't feel guilty.
and i want him again.
i'd have him against me all day if i could, i honestly would :)
i have no idea where this leaves me right now but quite frankly, i don't care.
all i know is, with him, i'm like... :) - thats the only way i can put it.
today felt right and natural and we had a laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything.
but the one thing it hasn't done is help me figure out completely where i wanna be, who i wanna be with, or what the hell i'm feeling.
if it was purely physical, then that'd be great. i could box it up and figure it out.
but its not.
if it was purely emotional, again, that would help.
it's so intense. i feel different around him. i feel safe, but like i need to make an effort... but at the same time, be myself... so i dont :)
its WIERD.
having never had an affair... (is that what this is?)... i don't know how it feels.
im wary though.
Adam's been away all week, and he said it's made him realise some things about our relationship.
And he wants to talk.
Do i want to listen though?
Or has it gone too far?
I will listen. But with a sceptical ear. He's said so much and its never materialised... he's a nice guy. he loves me.
but is that enough?
can i put my life onto him and build from this, knowing we're both putting equal weight in?
not at the minute.
could i do that with him?
yes. he's so focused, and busy and wants to do well... he has the passion, the drive, which adam lacks.
however. this is not a comparitive piece of writing. and i wont make it into one.
its unfair.
coz its SO different.
im shocked about how unwierd it felt
and how... right it did feel.
i didnt expect that.
i dont feel guilty. but will i, when i see adam?
tomorrow will tell.
i'm getting myself into a bit of a pickle really aren't i?
understatement of the frigging century.
today was amazing though.
dont think i've ever felt that before...
but what does that mean?
i did it.
for the first time is 4 years... i slept with a man who wasnt my boyfriend.
and i enjoyed it.
and i don't feel guilty.
and i want him again.
i'd have him against me all day if i could, i honestly would :)
i have no idea where this leaves me right now but quite frankly, i don't care.
all i know is, with him, i'm like... :) - thats the only way i can put it.
today felt right and natural and we had a laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything.
but the one thing it hasn't done is help me figure out completely where i wanna be, who i wanna be with, or what the hell i'm feeling.
if it was purely physical, then that'd be great. i could box it up and figure it out.
but its not.
if it was purely emotional, again, that would help.
it's so intense. i feel different around him. i feel safe, but like i need to make an effort... but at the same time, be myself... so i dont :)
its WIERD.
having never had an affair... (is that what this is?)... i don't know how it feels.
im wary though.
Adam's been away all week, and he said it's made him realise some things about our relationship.
And he wants to talk.
Do i want to listen though?
Or has it gone too far?
I will listen. But with a sceptical ear. He's said so much and its never materialised... he's a nice guy. he loves me.
but is that enough?
can i put my life onto him and build from this, knowing we're both putting equal weight in?
not at the minute.
could i do that with him?
yes. he's so focused, and busy and wants to do well... he has the passion, the drive, which adam lacks.
however. this is not a comparitive piece of writing. and i wont make it into one.
its unfair.
coz its SO different.
im shocked about how unwierd it felt
and how... right it did feel.
i didnt expect that.
i dont feel guilty. but will i, when i see adam?
tomorrow will tell.
i'm getting myself into a bit of a pickle really aren't i?
understatement of the frigging century.
today was amazing though.
dont think i've ever felt that before...
but what does that mean?
Tuesday 27 October 2009
this week
this week could potentially leave me happy amazed, emotionally wrecked... and completely in love.
i dont know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.
Adams away all week... and i'm seeing him.
All day. And i'm so excited :)
I want nothing more than to feel him against me... feel his hands on my back, feel his skin against mine on every possible way possible.
I saw him last night for about an hour... and i've never felt that complete... Well, not since last time anyway.
I'm so scared i hurt him too much last time, and this time, he's keeping back himself so i don't hurt him again.
I can totally understand it... i mean, i'd be the same.
However, instead of being guarded, this time i'm going for it.
He's knowing how i feel, and if he can't deal with it... he's gonna have to break it off.
Things are shitty with Adam, but i don't wanna talk about it with him, he's not done anything but me lovely to me, and it's not his fault.
Last night was amazing,
Tomorrow could be ridiculously wonderful.
But where does that leave me?
I sleep with someone who means the absolute world to me... that isn't my boyfriend.
Does that make me a bitch?
Yes. lol.
But i can't stop thinking about him... It's ridiculous really, i should get a grip and grow up. I cope so well with everything, and then he comes along, and i'm buggared :) but in a good way :) i think :)
What if i fall for him, and he doesnt fall for me?
Wht if i tell him i love him? and he doesn't feel it back?
I suppose thats a risk that i'm gonna have to take :)
Am i missing Adam...?
Yes. and No.
I'm trying to focus on being without him, doing it alone.
Then i can figure out if i'm strong enough to end it.
But i don't know if i ever will be?
Even if i had him to turn to... i dunno if i would. We need to spend lots of time figuring each other out...
Coz if this is for real. I don't want it to end.
I very nearly said i love him last night... Right before he left.
But i stopped myself.
Should i have?
It felt like the right thing to say, but i wanna make sure.
Coz saying those three words changes things forever. Right now, we don't really know what we're dealing with...
And i dont want him to think he needs to say it back... but i also don't wanna say it and not hear him say it back.
So i didn't say it... safest option.
Scared about tomorrow. What if he spends lots of time with me and figures out im simply boring? annoying? crap? ugly?
oh dear.
THEN i'll be gutted.
arghhhh.
Help.
Tomorrow = :)
i dont know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.
Adams away all week... and i'm seeing him.
All day. And i'm so excited :)
I want nothing more than to feel him against me... feel his hands on my back, feel his skin against mine on every possible way possible.
I saw him last night for about an hour... and i've never felt that complete... Well, not since last time anyway.
I'm so scared i hurt him too much last time, and this time, he's keeping back himself so i don't hurt him again.
I can totally understand it... i mean, i'd be the same.
However, instead of being guarded, this time i'm going for it.
He's knowing how i feel, and if he can't deal with it... he's gonna have to break it off.
Things are shitty with Adam, but i don't wanna talk about it with him, he's not done anything but me lovely to me, and it's not his fault.
Last night was amazing,
Tomorrow could be ridiculously wonderful.
But where does that leave me?
I sleep with someone who means the absolute world to me... that isn't my boyfriend.
Does that make me a bitch?
Yes. lol.
But i can't stop thinking about him... It's ridiculous really, i should get a grip and grow up. I cope so well with everything, and then he comes along, and i'm buggared :) but in a good way :) i think :)
What if i fall for him, and he doesnt fall for me?
Wht if i tell him i love him? and he doesn't feel it back?
I suppose thats a risk that i'm gonna have to take :)
Am i missing Adam...?
Yes. and No.
I'm trying to focus on being without him, doing it alone.
Then i can figure out if i'm strong enough to end it.
But i don't know if i ever will be?
Even if i had him to turn to... i dunno if i would. We need to spend lots of time figuring each other out...
Coz if this is for real. I don't want it to end.
I very nearly said i love him last night... Right before he left.
But i stopped myself.
Should i have?
It felt like the right thing to say, but i wanna make sure.
Coz saying those three words changes things forever. Right now, we don't really know what we're dealing with...
And i dont want him to think he needs to say it back... but i also don't wanna say it and not hear him say it back.
So i didn't say it... safest option.
Scared about tomorrow. What if he spends lots of time with me and figures out im simply boring? annoying? crap? ugly?
oh dear.
THEN i'll be gutted.
arghhhh.
Help.
Tomorrow = :)
Friday 23 October 2009
anniversary
todays my anniversary :)
4 years together :)
so why am i txting him?
what is it that can't even keep the most sacred of days in a relationship just about me and Adam?
:/
4 years together :)
so why am i txting him?
what is it that can't even keep the most sacred of days in a relationship just about me and Adam?
:/
Tuesday 20 October 2009
tuesday mornings
i drove home last night. whilst being drunk.
i was out wih my friends, and everything was ok... i was txting a boy :) and everything was ok... but i decided that out in Lancaster wasn't where i wanted to be. but where i wanted to be i couldn't be. so i bailed.
i woke up this morning and couldnt quite believe what the hell i had done. how ridiculous. i personally thought i had a much stronger head on me than to be so impulsive and idiotic. but lotsof things recently are making me think that i am maybe not to strong as a once thought i was.
juggling uni work, dissertation, school observation, job is tough. and its taking its toll on me. i thought that i could handle it... however, i'm not entirely sure i can.
it's week 3 and im already behind and making a tit of myself... wonder how i will cope in week 23... that'll be an interesting blog. NOT.
pressure of decisions is weighing down on me.
im selfish and i want everything. im too impulsive.
i think that as the rest of my family find theor solace in drinking, that i think i should too, when quite clearly i shouldn't. me and drink don't mix well. i get annoyed or upset and generally don't having a good time.
but it's a social thing isn't it?
i wish someone could take the deicision out of my hands.
if he found out, he'd finish me.
but where would that leave me?
upset, bereft, gutted, feeling horrendous - all yes.
but would that leave the path clear for something that could quite honestly be the most amazing thing to ever happen to me :)
possibily.
i'm standing on the edge of my life,
about to jump into a completely different one,
and i'm too scared to do it.
can you split your love?
i used to think you couldn't, but i love them both in COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAYS.
it's so seperate and so random and so.... different.
i feel like cutting myself up so they can each have half. and both by happy.
god i'm so crap...
the thing is, im a coward.
my relationship is too stable and good for me to fuck it up for something that might be so good. so i'm playing safe. but the effect that this will have on the other person is terrible.
i am myself constantly why he's still interested.
i can't give him anything, no promises, no solidarity, nothing really...
except that i love him in a way i dont think ive ever loved anyone before? but i know that not enough forever... so what do i do?
things will be dofferent in a year...
he'll move away and go to uni and forget about me anyway... without ever really realising how much he meant to me.
i was out wih my friends, and everything was ok... i was txting a boy :) and everything was ok... but i decided that out in Lancaster wasn't where i wanted to be. but where i wanted to be i couldn't be. so i bailed.
i woke up this morning and couldnt quite believe what the hell i had done. how ridiculous. i personally thought i had a much stronger head on me than to be so impulsive and idiotic. but lotsof things recently are making me think that i am maybe not to strong as a once thought i was.
juggling uni work, dissertation, school observation, job is tough. and its taking its toll on me. i thought that i could handle it... however, i'm not entirely sure i can.
it's week 3 and im already behind and making a tit of myself... wonder how i will cope in week 23... that'll be an interesting blog. NOT.
pressure of decisions is weighing down on me.
im selfish and i want everything. im too impulsive.
i think that as the rest of my family find theor solace in drinking, that i think i should too, when quite clearly i shouldn't. me and drink don't mix well. i get annoyed or upset and generally don't having a good time.
but it's a social thing isn't it?
i wish someone could take the deicision out of my hands.
if he found out, he'd finish me.
but where would that leave me?
upset, bereft, gutted, feeling horrendous - all yes.
but would that leave the path clear for something that could quite honestly be the most amazing thing to ever happen to me :)
possibily.
i'm standing on the edge of my life,
about to jump into a completely different one,
and i'm too scared to do it.
can you split your love?
i used to think you couldn't, but i love them both in COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAYS.
it's so seperate and so random and so.... different.
i feel like cutting myself up so they can each have half. and both by happy.
god i'm so crap...
the thing is, im a coward.
my relationship is too stable and good for me to fuck it up for something that might be so good. so i'm playing safe. but the effect that this will have on the other person is terrible.
i am myself constantly why he's still interested.
i can't give him anything, no promises, no solidarity, nothing really...
except that i love him in a way i dont think ive ever loved anyone before? but i know that not enough forever... so what do i do?
things will be dofferent in a year...
he'll move away and go to uni and forget about me anyway... without ever really realising how much he meant to me.
Thursday 15 October 2009
Ballads
And I wish I could lay down beside you,
When the day is done,
And wake up to your face under the morning sun.
You're like everything I've ever known,
And then you go one day.
And we spend our whole lives hiding,
Our hearts away.
When the day is done,
And wake up to your face under the morning sun.
You're like everything I've ever known,
And then you go one day.
And we spend our whole lives hiding,
Our hearts away.
Feelings
My selfishness astounds me.
I want everything, and I'm too scared to give something up for fear of throwing my whole life away.
So I stay.
Happy... But never quite knowing if how happy I am now,
Is the happiest I could ever be.
Selfishness doesn't even begin to cover it.
I want everything, and I'm too scared to give something up for fear of throwing my whole life away.
So I stay.
Happy... But never quite knowing if how happy I am now,
Is the happiest I could ever be.
Selfishness doesn't even begin to cover it.
Saturday 10 October 2009
loving two people...
what are you supposed to do when you love two people?
you love them both completely
but in totally different ways?
your life with one has already begun...
but your life with another could be so different...
they are on the peripheries, and yet you know that your life could be so great.
but your life with the guy you're with is already great, and you already have pretty much everything you could ask for?
am i being selfish for wanting both?
do i keep it up?
or do i have to make a decision?
and the decision will hurt people.
so what do i do?
you love them both completely
but in totally different ways?
your life with one has already begun...
but your life with another could be so different...
they are on the peripheries, and yet you know that your life could be so great.
but your life with the guy you're with is already great, and you already have pretty much everything you could ask for?
am i being selfish for wanting both?
do i keep it up?
or do i have to make a decision?
and the decision will hurt people.
so what do i do?
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