The Joseph Salmon Trust

This is a request for sponsorship for Ian Newbold, a fellow blogger in his sponsored walk along Hadrian's Wall for the Joseph Salmon Trust.

The trust has been set up by Rachel and Dan set the trust up specifically for giving parents a financial breather after the death of their child.

More details can be foun on Ian's Blog 'Single Parent Dad: Walking the Walk' and his sponsorship page can be found here.

For more info of the trust, please visit The Joseph Salmon Trust site

Thanks a lot guys.

Trust is the key issue

Since my last post, adam has talked to Rachel and told her that he wants me and doesn't think its a good idea that she talks to him anymore coz its causing problems.

He's deleted her number, deleted her facebook.... so you would think that that should be enough for me wouldn't you?

Apparently not.

Coz i went on his email this morning and texted his about a message i saw on there. He called me and patiently explained everything. He's getting upset that i'm still checking on him, and that I evidently don't trust him. And as much as I try, I can't disagree - I don't trust him.

But he trusts me, and he wants it to work. And i want it to work. Really I do.

So why can't i drop it?

Coz i'm scared of being hurt, of being made a fool out of again, of him secretly taking the piss out of me.

It's crunch time really isn't it? I either get over it and move on, or i don't bother. I might as well finish with him now and not get engaged or anything coz it's simply not worth it is it?

I'll just end up ruining the very core of our relationship.

And i wouldn't expect him to put up with it.

Coz i wouldn't.

So what i'm asking, is does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over the trust issue?

I hops so, coz right now it's in danger of killing us.

Exes, Roses and Birthdays

On a rare moment when i've finished work, before he comes home from work and before a start making tea, I need to write.

The girl Adam slept with - well i'd had it. I told him that I had been too leanient in the first place and had tried to sweep it under the carpet - probably coz i'd done the same thing and was keen to move on. 

However, I can no longer deal with Rachel in my life - whether he's sitting next to her, she's messaging him, he has her number - none of it. It's her or me, as I can no longer deal with the relationship where she somehow thinks its acceptable that t

hey be friends.

So its her or me. And i mean it. 

However its currently half term - so on monday, he tells her under no certain terms does she call him, text him, messages him - nothing. Or else i leave.

Was he happy? No. he thinks i'm telling him what to do. But however, I pointed this out that i'm only feeling like this coz he fucked another girl. And in order to rectify this he needed to tell her to get fucked - politely or not. And to hope to god that I never see that bitch again or i'll kill her. 

My 21st birthday - Also Valentine's Day - wonderful :) 

I was spoiled by my boyfriend, my dad, my mum, my gran - everyone :) 

It was the best weekend I could have asked for. Adam went all out and did absolutely everything. I got suprised with roses, balloons, cards, me

al out, champagne (and lots of it!).

I surprised him with a little something from La Senza :) to whic

h he was very grateful for :)

I just hope that everything thats been going on to actually fully put to bed now.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and believe he loves me too. But something, love alone isn't enough. People need to be shown that they are first. And that they are the only one that truly matters.

Everyone else - namely the bitch that almost ruined my relationship - needs to feel dreadful and go to hell at times - hurt feelings or not. 

I also am taking the rather dramatic step in changing my URL - Jamie has this one and I feel that its inappropriate that he has access to these kind of thoughts. 

He's no longer in my life and so i feel that he doesn't deserve to read these.

  

Alone time

I have so much to write, but am working tomorrow and spending the rest of my week with my boyfriend as its his half term.
I have thoughts on our row over the girl, my birthday, valentines day...

He doesn't know that I blog, or anything about it, so finding time whilst he's around is near impossible.

Does anyone else have anonymous blogs that their families don't know about?
Is this considered a bad thing?

I hope to write tomorrow in a quiet half hour at work via email! (Work in a pub)
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Marina and the Diamonds

Hollywood infected your brain, you wanted kissing in the rain.

You've been living in a movie scene puking American dreams. 

Time to get real.

The course of true love never runs smooth

Ok, so I still check Adam's messages. I don't know, I evidently don't trust him. And that does scare me, coz I know that getting engaged and moving into together is something that I definitely want, but it's difficult to marry that up with the fact that I still check his messages. 

i checked them over the weekend, and i didn't find anything, and he found out and we had a minor row about it and stuff. And i vowed not to do it again. However, I checked them this morning when he was in the shower. 

And he had a message from her. Just asking nothing important, 

"hoping he was better (we both had a bad Indian over the weekend, how was his football match and had he started his english coursework coz she hadn't"

Now i know that that is nothing in itself. But the fact that its sooo normal is sickening. I know they still sit together in class. Adam said if he moved:

"it would look obvious and cause seating problems for the rest of the class"

My response is:

"who gives a shit?! You're sitting next to the girl that broke our relationship from wonderful to shitty pieces and aiding you in breaking my heart."

So I don't know what to do... Part of me wants to message her and just tell her to fucking quit it. But i've already done that and to no avail. She persists. She must want him - and he must be letting her think she stands some chance, or just talking to her. 

I've been in that situation - if he's talking to her and sitting next to her and stuff, then I know how girls think. And 4am messages asking after his health prevail.

He thinks i'm making a big deal of the message. But its not the message. Its her. I can;t stand them being around each other. 

Am i wrong to hate the girl that my boyfriend slept with?

I feel like just getting her head and ramming it into a wall whilst telling her that it's advisable that she stays away from my boyfriend. But that won't help. It took all my strength not to go and smash her face in the first time.

God this is a mess.

Am i ever going to trust him again?

And if not, do i just sod it off now?

Or do i believe him, trust him and put my doubts to the back of my mind and hope my mindset changes when he leaves college.

The first step

Just stopped myself from committing the same mistake again. I headed it off at the first sign of trouble.

This must be a good sign.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device