Songs currently keeping me alive

Vampire Weekend - Cousins

LadyHawke - Delerium

General Fiasco - Ever so Shy

Bombay Bicycle club - Evening/Morning

Goldfrapp - Rocket

Groove Armada - Paper Romance

Really encourage you all to check a few out - think you'll be suprised! 

Guys and Porn - is it normal?

So, caught my boyfriend watching porn - well, not literally. But found pics on his pc and stuff. Basically its RudeTube (refuse to put links up!) and other such websites.

This has caused me to feel degraded and stuff, and I hurriedly ran (well texted) my two bestest friends for an ASAP reply to prevent me from going over the top - which can sometimes happen.

They both replies within minutes, something for which I am ever grateful for suggesting that its normal.

Yes, us women may not agree with it, and may think it's odd and weird, however it IS completely normal and I had no need to go mad.

So, i calmed myself down, told him he'd left something on the pc that I wasn't happy with and if he was going to do it again, can he please make sure that i'm not going to be confronted with it whilst trying to access my iTunes. 

He apologised and swiftly said it wouldn't happen again - me finding it, not him doing it. 

However, our sex has always been good, and i mean really always. I never think 

oh here we go again, do we have to, was that it?

Adam is an amazing lover, and he treats me with such respect, and yes we do have our rough nights and I enjoy this just as much.

And to be quite frank, the past three nights of love making have been more mind-blowing than usual...

Which leads me to pose this question:

Far from ruining my sex life, as I would of predicted, has porn encouraged Adam to be more in control and more active about initiating sex? 

Has porn helped my sex life?

Now I know that this is very dangerous ground, as in the porn industry there are many women exploited and used and I am in NO WAY suggesting that porn should be rolled out more. Also, i know that porn can be very destructive for a relationship. 

A man can become more interested in their favourite pornstar than their girlfriend/wife. 

But in my case, Adam explained that porn is something seperate from me. 

Right now, porn could be attributing my boyfriend increased interest in me. But I am wary that if his watching becomes more... I could face the opposite colour of the porn spectrum.

Can porn ever be completely seperate from your sex life i suppose is my question?

The Joseph Salmon Trust

This is a request for sponsorship for Ian Newbold, a fellow blogger in his sponsored walk along Hadrian's Wall for the Joseph Salmon Trust.

The trust has been set up by Rachel and Dan set the trust up specifically for giving parents a financial breather after the death of their child.

More details can be foun on Ian's Blog 'Single Parent Dad: Walking the Walk' and his sponsorship page can be found here.

For more info of the trust, please visit The Joseph Salmon Trust site

Thanks a lot guys.

Trust is the key issue

Since my last post, adam has talked to Rachel and told her that he wants me and doesn't think its a good idea that she talks to him anymore coz its causing problems.

He's deleted her number, deleted her facebook.... so you would think that that should be enough for me wouldn't you?

Apparently not.

Coz i went on his email this morning and texted his about a message i saw on there. He called me and patiently explained everything. He's getting upset that i'm still checking on him, and that I evidently don't trust him. And as much as I try, I can't disagree - I don't trust him.

But he trusts me, and he wants it to work. And i want it to work. Really I do.

So why can't i drop it?

Coz i'm scared of being hurt, of being made a fool out of again, of him secretly taking the piss out of me.

It's crunch time really isn't it? I either get over it and move on, or i don't bother. I might as well finish with him now and not get engaged or anything coz it's simply not worth it is it?

I'll just end up ruining the very core of our relationship.

And i wouldn't expect him to put up with it.

Coz i wouldn't.

So what i'm asking, is does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over the trust issue?

I hops so, coz right now it's in danger of killing us.

Exes, Roses and Birthdays

On a rare moment when i've finished work, before he comes home from work and before a start making tea, I need to write.

The girl Adam slept with - well i'd had it. I told him that I had been too leanient in the first place and had tried to sweep it under the carpet - probably coz i'd done the same thing and was keen to move on. 

However, I can no longer deal with Rachel in my life - whether he's sitting next to her, she's messaging him, he has her number - none of it. It's her or me, as I can no longer deal with the relationship where she somehow thinks its acceptable that t

hey be friends.

So its her or me. And i mean it. 

However its currently half term - so on monday, he tells her under no certain terms does she call him, text him, messages him - nothing. Or else i leave.

Was he happy? No. he thinks i'm telling him what to do. But however, I pointed this out that i'm only feeling like this coz he fucked another girl. And in order to rectify this he needed to tell her to get fucked - politely or not. And to hope to god that I never see that bitch again or i'll kill her. 

My 21st birthday - Also Valentine's Day - wonderful :) 

I was spoiled by my boyfriend, my dad, my mum, my gran - everyone :) 

It was the best weekend I could have asked for. Adam went all out and did absolutely everything. I got suprised with roses, balloons, cards, me

al out, champagne (and lots of it!).

I surprised him with a little something from La Senza :) to whic

h he was very grateful for :)

I just hope that everything thats been going on to actually fully put to bed now.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and believe he loves me too. But something, love alone isn't enough. People need to be shown that they are first. And that they are the only one that truly matters.

Everyone else - namely the bitch that almost ruined my relationship - needs to feel dreadful and go to hell at times - hurt feelings or not. 

I also am taking the rather dramatic step in changing my URL - Jamie has this one and I feel that its inappropriate that he has access to these kind of thoughts. 

He's no longer in my life and so i feel that he doesn't deserve to read these.

  

Alone time

I have so much to write, but am working tomorrow and spending the rest of my week with my boyfriend as its his half term.
I have thoughts on our row over the girl, my birthday, valentines day...

He doesn't know that I blog, or anything about it, so finding time whilst he's around is near impossible.

Does anyone else have anonymous blogs that their families don't know about?
Is this considered a bad thing?

I hope to write tomorrow in a quiet half hour at work via email! (Work in a pub)
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Marina and the Diamonds

Hollywood infected your brain, you wanted kissing in the rain.

You've been living in a movie scene puking American dreams. 

Time to get real.