Guys and Porn - is it normal?

So, caught my boyfriend watching porn - well, not literally. But found pics on his pc and stuff. Basically its RudeTube (refuse to put links up!) and other such websites.

This has caused me to feel degraded and stuff, and I hurriedly ran (well texted) my two bestest friends for an ASAP reply to prevent me from going over the top - which can sometimes happen.

They both replies within minutes, something for which I am ever grateful for suggesting that its normal.

Yes, us women may not agree with it, and may think it's odd and weird, however it IS completely normal and I had no need to go mad.

So, i calmed myself down, told him he'd left something on the pc that I wasn't happy with and if he was going to do it again, can he please make sure that i'm not going to be confronted with it whilst trying to access my iTunes. 

He apologised and swiftly said it wouldn't happen again - me finding it, not him doing it. 

However, our sex has always been good, and i mean really always. I never think 

oh here we go again, do we have to, was that it?

Adam is an amazing lover, and he treats me with such respect, and yes we do have our rough nights and I enjoy this just as much.

And to be quite frank, the past three nights of love making have been more mind-blowing than usual...

Which leads me to pose this question:

Far from ruining my sex life, as I would of predicted, has porn encouraged Adam to be more in control and more active about initiating sex? 

Has porn helped my sex life?

Now I know that this is very dangerous ground, as in the porn industry there are many women exploited and used and I am in NO WAY suggesting that porn should be rolled out more. Also, i know that porn can be very destructive for a relationship. 

A man can become more interested in their favourite pornstar than their girlfriend/wife. 

But in my case, Adam explained that porn is something seperate from me. 

Right now, porn could be attributing my boyfriend increased interest in me. But I am wary that if his watching becomes more... I could face the opposite colour of the porn spectrum.

Can porn ever be completely seperate from your sex life i suppose is my question?

after the fall

Well, I suppose for a while there I didn't think I'd ever blog again. When your actual life becomes so messed up with emotional trainwreck crap... You know, you just don't even think about it, when really... Its the best thing you could do.

Me and bf have got better. It sounds slightly sickening, but in someway I suppose its helped out relationship. We are both no longer on the 'everythings hunky dory and we live in bliss land' road... But more on the "we both fucked up and now we're trying to get over it and move on'.

So, we've actually never been better - and by better I mean real. Jamie suggested my relationship was fake and pathetic but I think that's the one thing it actually isn't? Real relationships can be crap, you are both human and now everythings been and gone, I think I do have a much more... Realistic view of my life.

Moving in together is the next step - its been talked about, financially discussed and blessings sought and granted from the relevant parents. This is all good.
Making a commitment like that is something which I know we cannot take lightly and some would (and probably will) suggest its 'all too soon' considering current events. But, its not happening till oct, and by then itll have been a year.

I don't think about him cheating all that often anymore. Like I hoped, its subsided and life carried on. The original shock and betrayal led me to examine myself - who am I to condemn him and ruin 4 otherwise very happy years simply coz my pride has been dented?

If I was to worry - it is that I have flashes of jamie. But I assume, like the hurt, the pain and the embarrassment, that too will subside.
I bloody hope so, coz it does do my head in.

I'm looking forward to blogging again more regularly actually. Cathartic isn't it?

wednesday was the day

Jesus. H. Christ.

i did it.

for the first time is 4 years... i slept with a man who wasnt my boyfriend.
and i enjoyed it.
and i don't feel guilty.
and i want him again.

i'd have him against me all day if i could, i honestly would :)

i have no idea where this leaves me right now but quite frankly, i don't care.

all i know is, with him, i'm like... :) - thats the only way i can put it.

today felt right and natural and we had a laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything.

but the one thing it hasn't done is help me figure out completely where i wanna be, who i wanna be with, or what the hell i'm feeling.

if it was purely physical, then that'd be great. i could box it up and figure it out.
but its not.

if it was purely emotional, again, that would help.

it's so intense. i feel different around him. i feel safe, but like i need to make an effort... but at the same time, be myself... so i dont :)
its WIERD.

having never had an affair... (is that what this is?)... i don't know how it feels.

im wary though.

Adam's been away all week, and he said it's made him realise some things about our relationship.
And he wants to talk.
Do i want to listen though?
Or has it gone too far?

I will listen. But with a sceptical ear. He's said so much and its never materialised... he's a nice guy. he loves me.
but is that enough?
can i put my life onto him and build from this, knowing we're both putting equal weight in?
not at the minute.

could i do that with him?
yes. he's so focused, and busy and wants to do well... he has the passion, the drive, which adam lacks.
however. this is not a comparitive piece of writing. and i wont make it into one.
its unfair.
coz its SO different.

im shocked about how unwierd it felt
and how... right it did feel.
i didnt expect that.

i dont feel guilty. but will i, when i see adam?
tomorrow will tell.

i'm getting myself into a bit of a pickle really aren't i?
understatement of the frigging century.

today was amazing though.
dont think i've ever felt that before...
but what does that mean?

this week

this week could potentially leave me happy amazed, emotionally wrecked... and completely in love.

i dont know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.

Adams away all week... and i'm seeing him.
All day. And i'm so excited :)

I want nothing more than to feel him against me... feel his hands on my back, feel his skin against mine on every possible way possible.

I saw him last night for about an hour... and i've never felt that complete... Well, not since last time anyway.
I'm so scared i hurt him too much last time, and this time, he's keeping back himself so i don't hurt him again.
I can totally understand it... i mean, i'd be the same.

However, instead of being guarded, this time i'm going for it.
He's knowing how i feel, and if he can't deal with it... he's gonna have to break it off.

Things are shitty with Adam, but i don't wanna talk about it with him, he's not done anything but me lovely to me, and it's not his fault.

Last night was amazing,
Tomorrow could be ridiculously wonderful.

But where does that leave me?
I sleep with someone who means the absolute world to me... that isn't my boyfriend.
Does that make me a bitch?
Yes. lol.

But i can't stop thinking about him... It's ridiculous really, i should get a grip and grow up. I cope so well with everything, and then he comes along, and i'm buggared :) but in a good way :) i think :)

What if i fall for him, and he doesnt fall for me?
Wht if i tell him i love him? and he doesn't feel it back?
I suppose thats a risk that i'm gonna have to take :)

Am i missing Adam...?
Yes. and No.
I'm trying to focus on being without him, doing it alone.
Then i can figure out if i'm strong enough to end it.
But i don't know if i ever will be?

Even if i had him to turn to... i dunno if i would. We need to spend lots of time figuring each other out...
Coz if this is for real. I don't want it to end.

I very nearly said i love him last night... Right before he left.
But i stopped myself.
Should i have?

It felt like the right thing to say, but i wanna make sure.
Coz saying those three words changes things forever. Right now, we don't really know what we're dealing with...
And i dont want him to think he needs to say it back... but i also don't wanna say it and not hear him say it back.
So i didn't say it... safest option.

Scared about tomorrow. What if he spends lots of time with me and figures out im simply boring? annoying? crap? ugly?
oh dear.
THEN i'll be gutted.
arghhhh.
Help.

Tomorrow = :)