Talking, Explaining and Moving On...

Yesterday i went round to Jamie's.

I was at the college where he goes where i'm incidentally doing some teacher training and it was suggested that maybe some work could be done together.

I needed to see him to talk about that... but really i needed to talk to him about everything. i know i said i was moving on and i do fully intend to, but i tell had no idea how he felt and i hadn't told him that i loved him... and i felt i needed to.

it was strange seeing him again and stuff.
i don't think i've ever told a boy that i'd fallen for him and he's not said it back. im so used to Jamie telling me all these wonderful things and to be fair i'm not sure if he meant them - i want him to - i want to think i meant more to him than just a shag.

He said i did... but he didn't know exactly what it was. and i know how he feels, because although what i feel is intense and different, i don't know whether this is love. it's something terrifyingly real, but im not entirely sure what.
Can you love in two completely different ways? Because what i feel for Jamie and what i feel for Adam are different, but one is not less than the other.

Seeing him yesterday confirmed to me that he isn't the right guy...

It's ridiculously hard for a girl to stand in front of a boy and tell him that what she feels for him won't go away... and for him to remain silent. However, i'd rather have that hard pill to swallow then have him lie to me.
To be fair, he seemed pretty hung up on his ex, which is totally understandable. When i asked how for an explanation of how he felt, he said he didn't know. But it wasn't just sex, and it wasn't love, but it was closer to love than sex. Which is interesting. A gentle let down possibly, so not shatter my already bruised ego :)

Either way, i felt that yesterday was hopefully the sealing and ending on an interesting and painful chapter in my life. i don't think i've felt that before, for someone who essentially i dont really know.

I felt i needed to say my piece, and make my peace with him. It's not his fault to be fair. He can't change how i feel, but i appreciate him letting me tell him.

The most awful thing is that it wasn't supposed to be like this. People weren't supposed to know, and i wasn't supposed to fall for someone other than Adam. Never.
_____


So, looking forward:

In 2010, i'm looking at a new job, a new university, moving out with Adam, and more than ever, being content :)

2010 is a new year, a new decade and i'm 21 in 3 weeks - by the time we reach 2020 i'm gonna have a house, marriage and babies, and be 31!
If i want to have what i really want, i need to focus on the future, and stop wishing the past was different.

Adam may be a lot of things, but he's here for me. He buys me flowers for no reason, he strokes my hair, he cooks amazing scalopes, he never moans at a dozen red roses on my birthday, even though they are twice as expensive. He works hard, holds down two jobs and juggles college so we can have the life we want, and he loves me. for me.

i can be difficult, annoying, and twatish... and he stills wants me.
I'm not saying he's a bed of roses. but we fit.
and that, is what it's all about.

-x-