tuesday mornings

i drove home last night. whilst being drunk.

i was out wih my friends, and everything was ok... i was txting a boy :) and everything was ok... but i decided that out in Lancaster wasn't where i wanted to be. but where i wanted to be i couldn't be. so i bailed.

i woke up this morning and couldnt quite believe what the hell i had done. how ridiculous. i personally thought i had a much stronger head on me than to be so impulsive and idiotic. but lotsof things recently are making me think that i am maybe not to strong as a once thought i was.

juggling uni work, dissertation, school observation, job is tough. and its taking its toll on me. i thought that i could handle it... however, i'm not entirely sure i can.
it's week 3 and im already behind and making a tit of myself... wonder how i will cope in week 23... that'll be an interesting blog. NOT.

pressure of decisions is weighing down on me.
im selfish and i want everything. im too impulsive.
i think that as the rest of my family find theor solace in drinking, that i think i should too, when quite clearly i shouldn't. me and drink don't mix well. i get annoyed or upset and generally don't having a good time.
but it's a social thing isn't it?

i wish someone could take the deicision out of my hands.
if he found out, he'd finish me.
but where would that leave me?
upset, bereft, gutted, feeling horrendous - all yes.
but would that leave the path clear for something that could quite honestly be the most amazing thing to ever happen to me :)
possibily.

i'm standing on the edge of my life,
about to jump into a completely different one,
and i'm too scared to do it.

can you split your love?
i used to think you couldn't, but i love them both in COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAYS.
it's so seperate and so random and so.... different.
i feel like cutting myself up so they can each have half. and both by happy.
god i'm so crap...

the thing is, im a coward.
my relationship is too stable and good for me to fuck it up for something that might be so good. so i'm playing safe. but the effect that this will have on the other person is terrible.
i am myself constantly why he's still interested.
i can't give him anything, no promises, no solidarity, nothing really...
except that i love him in a way i dont think ive ever loved anyone before? but i know that not enough forever... so what do i do?
things will be dofferent in a year...
he'll move away and go to uni and forget about me anyway... without ever really realising how much he meant to me.