wednesday was the day

Jesus. H. Christ.

i did it.

for the first time is 4 years... i slept with a man who wasnt my boyfriend.
and i enjoyed it.
and i don't feel guilty.
and i want him again.

i'd have him against me all day if i could, i honestly would :)

i have no idea where this leaves me right now but quite frankly, i don't care.

all i know is, with him, i'm like... :) - thats the only way i can put it.

today felt right and natural and we had a laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything.

but the one thing it hasn't done is help me figure out completely where i wanna be, who i wanna be with, or what the hell i'm feeling.

if it was purely physical, then that'd be great. i could box it up and figure it out.
but its not.

if it was purely emotional, again, that would help.

it's so intense. i feel different around him. i feel safe, but like i need to make an effort... but at the same time, be myself... so i dont :)
its WIERD.

having never had an affair... (is that what this is?)... i don't know how it feels.

im wary though.

Adam's been away all week, and he said it's made him realise some things about our relationship.
And he wants to talk.
Do i want to listen though?
Or has it gone too far?

I will listen. But with a sceptical ear. He's said so much and its never materialised... he's a nice guy. he loves me.
but is that enough?
can i put my life onto him and build from this, knowing we're both putting equal weight in?
not at the minute.

could i do that with him?
yes. he's so focused, and busy and wants to do well... he has the passion, the drive, which adam lacks.
however. this is not a comparitive piece of writing. and i wont make it into one.
its unfair.
coz its SO different.

im shocked about how unwierd it felt
and how... right it did feel.
i didnt expect that.

i dont feel guilty. but will i, when i see adam?
tomorrow will tell.

i'm getting myself into a bit of a pickle really aren't i?
understatement of the frigging century.

today was amazing though.
dont think i've ever felt that before...
but what does that mean?