this week

this week could potentially leave me happy amazed, emotionally wrecked... and completely in love.

i dont know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.

Adams away all week... and i'm seeing him.
All day. And i'm so excited :)

I want nothing more than to feel him against me... feel his hands on my back, feel his skin against mine on every possible way possible.

I saw him last night for about an hour... and i've never felt that complete... Well, not since last time anyway.
I'm so scared i hurt him too much last time, and this time, he's keeping back himself so i don't hurt him again.
I can totally understand it... i mean, i'd be the same.

However, instead of being guarded, this time i'm going for it.
He's knowing how i feel, and if he can't deal with it... he's gonna have to break it off.

Things are shitty with Adam, but i don't wanna talk about it with him, he's not done anything but me lovely to me, and it's not his fault.

Last night was amazing,
Tomorrow could be ridiculously wonderful.

But where does that leave me?
I sleep with someone who means the absolute world to me... that isn't my boyfriend.
Does that make me a bitch?
Yes. lol.

But i can't stop thinking about him... It's ridiculous really, i should get a grip and grow up. I cope so well with everything, and then he comes along, and i'm buggared :) but in a good way :) i think :)

What if i fall for him, and he doesnt fall for me?
Wht if i tell him i love him? and he doesn't feel it back?
I suppose thats a risk that i'm gonna have to take :)

Am i missing Adam...?
Yes. and No.
I'm trying to focus on being without him, doing it alone.
Then i can figure out if i'm strong enough to end it.
But i don't know if i ever will be?

Even if i had him to turn to... i dunno if i would. We need to spend lots of time figuring each other out...
Coz if this is for real. I don't want it to end.

I very nearly said i love him last night... Right before he left.
But i stopped myself.
Should i have?

It felt like the right thing to say, but i wanna make sure.
Coz saying those three words changes things forever. Right now, we don't really know what we're dealing with...
And i dont want him to think he needs to say it back... but i also don't wanna say it and not hear him say it back.
So i didn't say it... safest option.

Scared about tomorrow. What if he spends lots of time with me and figures out im simply boring? annoying? crap? ugly?
oh dear.
THEN i'll be gutted.
arghhhh.
Help.

Tomorrow = :)