Contradiction

Its possible im over feeling.

maybe when adam gets home i'll realise.

fucking hell i wish my heart would make its mind up.

Question:
Why does J want me?

Washing your hands

If i was single, there is no guarantee he'd have me.
So why do i feel like i should risk everything anyway?



If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

(Courtesy of Alanis Morissette :) )

Coming home

Adam comes home today....

I'm working 3-9, so i dont know if i'll see him.... he wants to come round after ive finished, but i dunno if that thats a good idea.

He wants to talk about us and our relationship and what he's realised from what his 'time away'. Hmmm.

Last night all i did was go through Jamie... there, thats his name... in my head. I went over yesterday, what we did, what we talked about, my diet coke addiction :) everything.

It was seriously great :)

But today's down to reality. I was uni work to do, and he has college work... and then a party tonight.
That's something i'm dreading? I know that i don't have any hold over him, and that to be jealous is irrational. But what if he gets with a new girl? Do i feel great about it? No. But can i do anything, say anything? No.
This is an issue.

I have a lot on my plate at the minute though... can i afford to be falling someone in the way that i am?
No. But i think i'm going to anyway.

Dreading seeing Adam tonight... i can't quite even remember what he looks like... in 4 days... after 4 years.
Madness.

wednesday was the day

Jesus. H. Christ.

i did it.

for the first time is 4 years... i slept with a man who wasnt my boyfriend.
and i enjoyed it.
and i don't feel guilty.
and i want him again.

i'd have him against me all day if i could, i honestly would :)

i have no idea where this leaves me right now but quite frankly, i don't care.

all i know is, with him, i'm like... :) - thats the only way i can put it.

today felt right and natural and we had a laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything.

but the one thing it hasn't done is help me figure out completely where i wanna be, who i wanna be with, or what the hell i'm feeling.

if it was purely physical, then that'd be great. i could box it up and figure it out.
but its not.

if it was purely emotional, again, that would help.

it's so intense. i feel different around him. i feel safe, but like i need to make an effort... but at the same time, be myself... so i dont :)
its WIERD.

having never had an affair... (is that what this is?)... i don't know how it feels.

im wary though.

Adam's been away all week, and he said it's made him realise some things about our relationship.
And he wants to talk.
Do i want to listen though?
Or has it gone too far?

I will listen. But with a sceptical ear. He's said so much and its never materialised... he's a nice guy. he loves me.
but is that enough?
can i put my life onto him and build from this, knowing we're both putting equal weight in?
not at the minute.

could i do that with him?
yes. he's so focused, and busy and wants to do well... he has the passion, the drive, which adam lacks.
however. this is not a comparitive piece of writing. and i wont make it into one.
its unfair.
coz its SO different.

im shocked about how unwierd it felt
and how... right it did feel.
i didnt expect that.

i dont feel guilty. but will i, when i see adam?
tomorrow will tell.

i'm getting myself into a bit of a pickle really aren't i?
understatement of the frigging century.

today was amazing though.
dont think i've ever felt that before...
but what does that mean?

this week

this week could potentially leave me happy amazed, emotionally wrecked... and completely in love.

i dont know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.

Adams away all week... and i'm seeing him.
All day. And i'm so excited :)

I want nothing more than to feel him against me... feel his hands on my back, feel his skin against mine on every possible way possible.

I saw him last night for about an hour... and i've never felt that complete... Well, not since last time anyway.
I'm so scared i hurt him too much last time, and this time, he's keeping back himself so i don't hurt him again.
I can totally understand it... i mean, i'd be the same.

However, instead of being guarded, this time i'm going for it.
He's knowing how i feel, and if he can't deal with it... he's gonna have to break it off.

Things are shitty with Adam, but i don't wanna talk about it with him, he's not done anything but me lovely to me, and it's not his fault.

Last night was amazing,
Tomorrow could be ridiculously wonderful.

But where does that leave me?
I sleep with someone who means the absolute world to me... that isn't my boyfriend.
Does that make me a bitch?
Yes. lol.

But i can't stop thinking about him... It's ridiculous really, i should get a grip and grow up. I cope so well with everything, and then he comes along, and i'm buggared :) but in a good way :) i think :)

What if i fall for him, and he doesnt fall for me?
Wht if i tell him i love him? and he doesn't feel it back?
I suppose thats a risk that i'm gonna have to take :)

Am i missing Adam...?
Yes. and No.
I'm trying to focus on being without him, doing it alone.
Then i can figure out if i'm strong enough to end it.
But i don't know if i ever will be?

Even if i had him to turn to... i dunno if i would. We need to spend lots of time figuring each other out...
Coz if this is for real. I don't want it to end.

I very nearly said i love him last night... Right before he left.
But i stopped myself.
Should i have?

It felt like the right thing to say, but i wanna make sure.
Coz saying those three words changes things forever. Right now, we don't really know what we're dealing with...
And i dont want him to think he needs to say it back... but i also don't wanna say it and not hear him say it back.
So i didn't say it... safest option.

Scared about tomorrow. What if he spends lots of time with me and figures out im simply boring? annoying? crap? ugly?
oh dear.
THEN i'll be gutted.
arghhhh.
Help.

Tomorrow = :)

anniversary

todays my anniversary :)

4 years together :)

so why am i txting him?
what is it that can't even keep the most sacred of days in a relationship just about me and Adam?

:/

cyndi

if you fall, i will catch you...
i'll be waiting :)

Time after Time.